Black Hole
by Caskett54
Summary: Martha Jones was never the most adventurous person. She liked to be in control. But with him, she's out of control, and the funny thing is, she kind of likes it. When she stands beside him, she is so much more than Martha Jones. But somehow, she's so much less. A one-shot showing the way Martha grew and changed throughout Series 3. Not so much romance as a story of self-discovery.


**This fic is more of a character study than anything else. Though I do not ship the Doctor and Martha at all (not even a little bit), I respect and appreciate Martha as a character. She really matured over the course of her time on the show, especially in the Series 3 finale. So this is less of a conventional romance story and more of a study of how Martha has grown. It is a song fic – the song is Black Hole by Ana Johnsson, which I feel sums Martha up pretty well.**

-0-0-0-

_I swore it on my life  
And helplessly I'm falling  
Crawling  
Can't shake your gravity  
Your velvet talk just takes me  
Holds me  
Pulls me away from being me_

-0-0-0-

Martha Jones was never the most adventurous person.

She wanted to be a doctor. Ever since she was a kid, that was her dream. When she was six, she thought that meant she would be mixing solutions in test tubes until she found a cure for cancer. When she was nine, she knew better, and thought that she wanted to be a pediatrician. When she was twelve, she decided she would rather be a neurosurgeon. She had a brief period of fascination with open heart surgery – her equivalent of a 'wild child phase' – when she was sixteen, and then it was right back to the dream of being a neurosurgeon.

Martha was always a very motivated sort of person. She doesn't just wish for things – she makes them happen. She takes her dreams and she writes them down as goals, with step-by-step procedures that she can follow and agendas and deadlines to keep her on track. She's always been very organized and methodical, and this is how she's always managed to achieve her goals and realize her dreams. This is now she propelled herself through high school, graduating at the top of her class. And then it was straight off to medical school to become a doctor. Like she always wanted.

And it was all going exactly as she'd planned until she met him.

He was new. He was a variable she hadn't accounted for, and she didn't really know how to deal with that. He was mad and incredible and alien and wonderful and when he kissed her, she could literally feel all of the plans she'd made going right out the window. She had always been the sort of person who always wanted to know exactly what was going on and what would be going on next, the sort of person who needed to be in control. That was Martha Jones. But when he kissed her, she was out of control, perhaps for the first time in her life. And the funny thing is, she kind of liked it.

And then he explained to her that he was telling the truth – it really did mean nothing. A simple genetic transfer and nothing more. Martha was out of control, but he wasn't – he was cold and logical and he knew exactly what he was doing. And when she looked into his eyes, she could see why.

He's alone. Wandering. But he wasn't always that way, and she can tell. No, he wasn't that way until recently. He had someone. She's always been good at reading people, and though it's harder with him than it is with most, she can still see the loss that he tries to keep hidden. The look on his face as he stared off over the surface of the moon when he mentioned that he was there at the Battle of Canary Wharf. The way he freezes up and pulls back when she tries to flirt with him. The way his normally perfectly constructed sentences deteriorate into stammered, unsure sentence fragments whenever he mentions her, the way he stumbles over words when he says her name…

…_Rose._

Whoever this Rose character is, he loved her. And he lost her.

Martha can't help but wonder who she is. Or who she was. Even more, she can't help but wonder what happened to her.

But in the end, it doesn't really change anything. Because all of the plans she labored over for so long went right out the window when he kissed her. She got a little taste of what it was like to be out of control, and she's hungry for more. It's like a drug, and she thinks she might be addicted.

So when he suggests that she come with him, when he tells her that he can travel in time so when she needs to come home it'll be like no time passed at all, when he shows her that bigger-on-the-inside box that is his spaceship… she can't help herself.

She says yes.

And off they go. To be out of control together. Even if he doesn't want that with her.

-0-0-0-

_I'm lost into unknown  
Don't know what's right for me_

-0-0-0-

And there's one other thing.

She thinks she might be falling in love with him.

-0-0-0-

_Your love is my black hole  
My feet won't touch the ground  
But I keep falling down  
and down_

-0-0-0-

She's definitely falling in love with him.

And the thing is, it's not just that he's not in love with her. She doesn't think he even sees it. He looks right through her and all he sees is his Rose. She's all he talks about, too. _I had this friend, Rose. And… we were together. Rose would know. Right now, she'd say exactly the right thing. _Rose this, Rose that. It makes Martha a little irritated at times, to be honest. She knows that he's lost her, that he misses her, and she feels a bit guilty for being so insensitive, but she's starting to become annoyed with the way he doesn't even see her. It's like this Rose girl is constantly dominating all the space in his mind and there isn't any room for Martha. It makes her feel jealous. And resentful, even, some of the time. And that makes her feel childish, but sometimes she finds she doesn't even care. If she's going to be out of control, why not go all out, huh?

She's definitely falling in love with him. And she just keeps on falling. Every time she looks at him and thinks, _I could not possibly love you more than I do right now, _she soon discovers that she was wrong. Every other day he turns around and does something extraordinary and she discovers that he's twice the man she thought he was. And she falls even further.

She wonders if 'falling' will ever become 'fallen'. If she will ever reach a point where she has really 'fallen' in love with him, meaning she can fall no further. Or if she'll just keep on plummeting deeper and deeper into this unrequited adoration.

-0-0-0-

_You're pulling me in  
Breaking me out  
Starting to be all I'm about_

-0-0-0-

He is incredible. He's fantastic and brilliant and unimaginably mad and wonderful and amazing and extraordinary. And she…

She's not.

She's just Martha Jones. The medical student. The little girl who wanted to find a cure for cancer, the child who wanted to be a pediatrician before she even knew the word 'pediatrician', the teenager who briefly wanted to do open heart surgery, and the student who wants to be a neurosurgeon. The girl who likes to be in control but who's simultaneously addicted to the exhilarating rush that comes hand in hand with losing control. The human girl who loves the alien man. The human girl that the alien man doesn't love back.

She hasn't done anything amazing. Standing next to him, she finds her courage, and they can step off into the unknown together, but on her own… she's nothing. She's just a girl. Just a young human girl, and she completely understands why he doesn't love her. She must seem so tiny in his eyes, so insignificant, so unimportant. When you live to be nine hundred and some odd years old, a pretty young twenty-something like Martha… she must look so small. He doesn't view her as an equal – there's no way he could. And he shouldn't. Because she isn't. She's so much less, so, so much less than him.

When she stands beside him, his proud companion, she is so much more than Martha Jones. But somehow, at the same time, she's so much less.

She hasn't quite figured out how that works yet.

All she knows is that the old Martha Jones is fading away. She's becoming someone new. Someone much more adventurous and outgoing, someone who doesn't always need to be in control. Someone who craves that adrenaline rush of being out of control. Someone much more… what's a word that sums it up?

Oh, there's a nice one.

Codependent.

One of two things is happening to her and she can't quite work out which it is. One: she's growing into the person she was meant to be. He is helping her to discover herself, and the old Martha is fading to be replaced by a new, better one. A stronger one. A happier one. The one she was meant to be. Two: the old Martha is fading, but no new better Martha is coming to replace her. She's simply disappearing into his shadow, content to be nothing more than his faithful companion, the loyal puppy who follows him around, vying for his affection. She's turning into someone who will not exist outside the context of her mad alien man and his time machine. She'll be the faithful companion, but she won't be Martha Jones anymore.

She honestly has no idea which one is happening. She hopes it's the first one.

But she's really afraid that it's the second.

-0-0-0-

_Got to break through  
Find my way out  
from you_

-0-0-0-

It's the second one.

She's not finding herself. She's losing herself. She's fading into his shadow.

Or, at least, she was.

But present circumstances have changed things. She can't cower in his shadow anymore because his shadow is high above the ground with him, soaring in the sky as a prisoner of the metal bird called the _Valiant _and its cruel captain. And she's on the ground, far below him. All on her own. She cannot take his hand in order to summon her courage. She has to find that courage all on her own.

And that's the most surprising thing about this whole ordeal. It's not that he isn't really the last of his kind. It's not the cruel treatment of her own family. It's not the shock of watching half the world burn.

No, it's the discovery that she _can._

She can summon her courage on her own. It's harder than it is with him at her side, but she can do it. She's not his shadow. She's not his ghost. She's not nothing. She's Martha Jones.

She just forgot that for a while.

She's remembering it now. She's being forced to. Walking the Earth alone is the hardest thing she's ever done, and she's finding herself balancing between the Martha she became while with him and the Martha she used to be. The best from each version of herself, if you will. From the new Martha, she draws courage and strength and the knowledge that _she can do this. _From the old Martha, she takes motivation and determination and the ability to take things one step at a time. One breath after the other. Inhale, exhale. Repeat. One foot in front of the other. Right, left, right, left. Across the lonely ground until you get to where you're going. Because she will get there eventually.

And he'll be waiting.

The trouble is, she's not sure if she wants him to be.

She's seen what he does to her. In some ways, he enhances her, makes her better, but in many ways, he diminishes her. She fades into the background. She becomes his shadow and forgets that she was ever anything else. And it's not his fault – it's her. She's a slave to her love for him. She's bound by it.

The question is whether or not she actually wants to break free.

-0-0-0-

_From you  
From you  
Just find a way back to myself_

-0-0-0-

She still isn't sure whether or not she wants to break free.

But she knows one thing for sure.

She has to.

It's for the best. For her best. If she stays with him she'll just fade again, and she can't live like that. She won't live like that. That year she spent walking the Earth on her own, the year that never was, taught her a lot of things. It taught her that she is stronger than she thinks she is, and more importantly, that she is just as strong by herself as she is with him at her side. She spent a lot of time with him thinking she was second-best, but she is second to no one. She's Martha Jones. Since when has she ever settled for second-best?

Since when has she ever settled for anything less than perfect?

In every aspect of her life, she strives to be the best that she can be. And she succeeds. Most of the time. Through a combination of hard work and refusal to give up come hell or high water, she achieves the goals that she reaches for. She pushes herself hard and she holds herself to high standards. And she never settles for anything less than the very best.

He is… amazing. And he's amazing for her.

But he's not what's best for her. Not by a long shot.

She wants him in her life. More than almost anything. Because yes, she does love him, but she won't be a slave to her love. Not like her friend Vicky who loved that bloke Sean, the one who never looked at her twice. She wants him in her life. But she doesn't want him to be the only thing in her life. She wants more. And if that makes her greedy, then fine. She's greedy.

But at least she knows that she can't have everything.

And when it comes down to a choice between him and everything else that she could have – her family, her life, her dreams – it's a tough call. It's not a choice she can let her heart make. She has to put new, out-of-control Martha on pause for a moment and go back to the woman she was. And she has to realize that he will never be what's best for her. She has to realize that she has a chance out there, but she'll never have a chance with him. She has to realize that her dreams are worth more than a life as a loyal puppy dog vying for his affections.

She has to realize that she is better than this.

And she can't choose him.

She does love him. And when the TARDIS door swings closed behind her, she has a moment of indecision. She wants to go charging right back in there and tell him that she wasn't serious, that of course she'll come with him to meet Agatha Christie or whoever he likes. She wants to go running back into that mad blue box and tell him she was just kidding and then fade right back into his shadow again. Because she was content when she was his shadow.

It's really a gamble. It's a risk. If she stays, she knows she'll be happy. Not overly happy, not extraordinarily happy, just… happy. Happy to follow him around, his faithful companion, lost in unrequited love. But out here, it could go either way. All of her dreams could crash and burn and she could be left alone and miserable. Or she could get everything she's ever wanted, find someone to love who will love her in return. And she won't just be happy. She will be extraordinary.

And she knows that she's Martha Jones, and she never settles for anything less than the very best, so if she had to bet, she'd put her money on extraordinary.

So she takes a deep breath as the door click shut behind her with a note of finality that is happy, not sad. She knows she's making the right choice. So she exhales slowly and begins to walk away. Every step she takes increases her heartache, but somehow, the smile on her face only grows. Because she is so much more than what she thought she was. Every door in the world is open to her. She can do anything, be anyone, and she will never fade into anyone's shadow again. There are so many choices, so many chances, so many possibilities to choose from. And each and every one of them will take her on a journey leading straight to _extraordinary._

This is not the end for her.

This is the beginning.

-0-0-0-

**I wanted to write something a little bit different, and I've never really done anything Martha-centric before. It's typically all Rose with me. But I was listening to Black Hole by Ana Johnsson and this just sort of came to me. Because I do respect Martha as a character, and I love the way she grew and matured. In my mind, this is her mentality as she went through those changes, all of it cumulating in her choosing to leave the Doctor behind for a bright future as the person she was meant to be – Martha Jones, doctor extraordinaire, nobody's shadow. This is my first song fic and my first character study. Please leave your thoughts in the nice little box down there on your way out – feedback is the best thing you can give a writer. Thanks!**

**-Caskett54**


End file.
